I miss you

April 25, 2013

Jack... you still visit my heart so often. I miss you more and more every year, month, day, hour and minute that your gone. Some think since I had another baby that all my pain should disappear, that you should no longer be in my thoughts. It just doesn't work like that, you can't replace the love you have for a lost child with the gain of another. I love you Jack Isaac and I look forward to seeing you again.

To smile

March 6, 2012

God has blessed us with Baby Grace. Grace Elizabeth was born Oct. 24th 2011, she is strong and healthy and I thank God for that every day. She has been a breath of fresh air, she makes me smile when I didn't think it was possible anymore. Watching her grow has been a strong reminder of my Jack. I get confused by the happiness and sorrow mixed together, but I know my baby Jack watches over his sister. I know in my heart that they have meet, and I tell myself that Jack asked Grace to come into this world to make his mommy smile again. And you know what? It worked.

He is praised.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. May His name be praised." -Job 1:21

by His stripes you are healed!

Christ was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.  Isaiah 53:5 

 Sometimes scripture can be misunderstood, sometimes the promises within His word can even be manipulated into what we want to believe verses what His real purpose is meant to be. Do you know how many times I prayed that scripture over Jack. I trusted God and had confidence in my sons healing through Christ. He was coming home, the comfort God allowed me was overwhelming and unexplainable. I watched Jack carry his cross for 58 long days.  And after he passed, I was home, sitting without my baby and crying out to God... "You said, he would be healed! You said, by Christ's stripes we are  healed! You promised healing! You assured me... healing." 

At that very moment, deep in my sorrow God spoke within me. His words were kind, He said, "Yes I did promise these things and yes, your son is home and he is healed by Christ's stripes, by His broken and crushed bones your son has LIFE. Now go tell the world."

unspoken words

 Everything seems so surreal today, it's like I woke up and realized my son is gone and then I questioned the fact whether it really happened or not. All I can see that remains of him is this belly that doesn't go away. Yes, I have pictures displayed but they do not look like the child I loved so dearly in the hospital. There's no tubes or loud noises coming from them. Strange as it is, that is what I knew. I seen Jack in his healthy form for one hour of his life so I am not too familiar with the baby in these pictures.

Work was harder than usual today, everywhere I looked I saw babies and all I could see was Jack and the child he will never be. It's robbed me of my thoughts and now I can't speak, I form the words but nothing comes out. I've spoke maybe four words since I've gotten home from work. No one understands why I'm silent and I can't speak. I can't speak the words of a grieving mother. I can't say I wish I could kiss him again, I can't say I wish I would have kissed him more. I can't say I miss him. Can I not utter these words because it didn't really happen, have I finally woke from this bad dream and am now taking in it's effects of my mental state or is reality setting in and I'm not liking how it feels.

God do you still listen when I can't speak, when Your spirit cries out on my behalf, will you fill my soul with unspoken words, unspoken words that speak to the ones who are concerned with my silence. Will you help them to understand my pain without me having to speak. Will you comfort them and let them know it is well. Can I cry in my silence and be comforted quietly knowing they understand.

It is well

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Praise the LORD! Praise the LORD, O my soul!

In Celebration '10

Jack was a gift from God, a borrowed angel, he in his short amount of time here, showed me Christ on the cross dying for my sins only so we could have LIFE!! Our eternal life is such a precious gift. I can't wait to see what he sees but until then I'm going to share with everyone what God has shown me through this little boy! He allowed me to have Jack for a borrowed amount of time, to show me purpose in my life by spreading God's word far and wide until that one day we will all praise Him together in His shining Glory. He showed me that it was He who stepped down from His throne and was born into human flesh to show us then and thousands of years later, that He would give up everything for us. That He would not abandon us. That He would save us from our sins so we could be reunited with Him. He showed me through the lose of a child how important it is that we have Salvation, that had Christ not made the ultimate sacrifice, my son’s soul… I can’t begin to comprehend “the what ifs.” He taught me that worrying does nothing and that having faith and trusting Him is key to survival