Sunday, July 18, 2010

unspoken words

 Everything seems so surreal today, it's like I woke up and realized my son is gone and then I questioned the fact whether it really happened or not. All I can see that remains of him is this belly that doesn't go away. Yes, I have pictures displayed but they do not look like the child I loved so dearly in the hospital. There's no tubes or loud noises coming from them. Strange as it is, that is what I knew. I seen Jack in his healthy form for one hour of his life so I am not too familiar with the baby in these pictures.

Work was harder than usual today, everywhere I looked I saw babies and all I could see was Jack and the child he will never be. It's robbed me of my thoughts and now I can't speak, I form the words but nothing comes out. I've spoke maybe four words since I've gotten home from work. No one understands why I'm silent and I can't speak. I can't speak the words of a grieving mother. I can't say I wish I could kiss him again, I can't say I wish I would have kissed him more. I can't say I miss him. Can I not utter these words because it didn't really happen, have I finally woke from this bad dream and am now taking in it's effects of my mental state or is reality setting in and I'm not liking how it feels.

God do you still listen when I can't speak, when Your spirit cries out on my behalf, will you fill my soul with unspoken words, unspoken words that speak to the ones who are concerned with my silence. Will you help them to understand my pain without me having to speak. Will you comfort them and let them know it is well. Can I cry in my silence and be comforted quietly knowing they understand.

Monday, July 5, 2010

It is well

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Praise the LORD! Praise the LORD, O my soul!