preordained

This is a picture of Jack that we have set up in the living room, it's a large 8x10. While it pains me to look at most of his pictures at this time, this one comforts me.

     In this picture Jack is barely two hours old but his eyes show the wisdom of a grown adult. He looks at the camera as if he knows what happens next, as if he knows that when the camera flashes he must hold his eyes steady not to blink and ruin the picture. He looks at the man holding the camera as if he had been held by him a hundred times before, completely familiar with him. He knows it's his father.

    This picture also shows Jack's strength, you see I am a firm believer that God knows each of our souls before we enter our mother's womb. I believe God has preordained each of our days to come, down to the smallest detail. And when I look at this picture I see Jack trusting his life in God's hands. I see wisdom beyond years, I see my child's eyes saying, don't be sad Mommy, God has told me His plan and I am prepared, I am strong and I am going to do God's will. Even if it takes my whole lifetime or even if it takes only 58 days. Jack Isaac lived a full life because he lived the life God had intended for him. Nothing less and nothing more.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

your skin

I remember the feel of your soft baby skin, I miss it so much. You used to grip my finger so tight.

alive

I remember reading to you, I loved reading to you so much. I was always drawn to The New Testament, I wanted you to know everything about Jesus. I learned more about my faith reading the bible to you than I had in my entire life of studying God's word, alone. We discovered so many amazing things side by side. I knew you were to young to verbally understand but I'm positive you could feel God's presence around you. I remember your nurse, Audrey, I miss talking with her, she would light up when spoke of her faith. We would each get on one side of your bed and share our experiences of how God had effected our lives. There was so much laughter and warmth around you, God blessed you with surroundings full of peace. No one cried because of what might happen, no one spoke sad words or showed pity because of what they saw. We were excited because you were alive, and no matter how the tables turned you were going to be healed, because God's Grace is sufficient.

your hair

I remember the time you were really wiggly, I never actually seen you move but you would repeatedly shift to the left. It was quite an anomaly among the nurses, you made us laugh and it was like you were smiling with us. It was the only time I got to put my face to yours. The bed was more of a table like crib and it wasn't possible to reach you but you wiggled over to the left so I leaned in close. Your skin was so soft, I ran my nose along your cheek and ear and gave you soft baby kisses. I kissed your hair, it was so delicate and soft, little baby wisps of hair. I still remember what they felt like on my lips.

is it real?

It just doesn't seem real, I look at your pictures and ask myself... were you really there? Did I really carry you for nine months or was it all a dream? I still feel your touch on my skin, I still feel the ache in my heart. But did it really happen?

your soft breath

I remember leaning over you and watching you sleep, and hearing the sound of the ventilator as it captured your breath, allowing it to pull each one in and out of your lungs. You were so strong, you had begun to breath over the machine and it caused a small leak as YOUR actual breath came out around the tube. I leaned over you and you were breathing strong enough to allow me to feel your breathe on my face. It had a soft, sweet smell, I will never forget that moment. It took my breath away, it was pure amazement that I felt and awe at your abilities to over come. The things we take for granted in this life... every moment I had with you, I cherish and always will. I love you Jack.

part's of healing

Creating these websites in Jack's memory has been one of the strongest parts of healing for me, it allows me to express my gratitude to God for giving me enough time to share in my son's life. Jack Isaac has touched me and continues to touch my life in so many ways. Every bit of effort put forth here on these pages allows me to fill the emptiness left behind. This website allows me continue to see my son everyday until I am healed and can hold him again. I praise God that I have Jack's memories and so I list every detail possible because I don't want to forget a thing.