Tuesday, April 28, 2009

my heart

April 28, 2009

My heart hurts the most, there's a void there where my child should be. I know he's better and I wouldn't dream of taking the bliss he is experiencing away from him. But that “I'm still here on earth and he’s not” side of me needs something. I carried him for nine months... nine long months and all I wanted was to hold him in my arms.

I remember saying that so many times to the nurses when I would have to go to the hospital twice every week to have tests done. They would always say "I bet your ready for this to be over with" and all I could say is that "I just want to hold him, to actually have him in my arms" and they would giggle and say "soon enough." The day I had Jack, there was a room full of people and I had only gotten to hold him for a short while and then they took him to clean him up and then everyone else held him and then offered to give him back. I said "no that's okay you go ahead" and all I was thinking, was how I would have forever to hold him. I would give anything to have that day back. So please pray that I will have no regrets or bitterness develop in my heart.

I also wanted to share with you another bit of information. An old high school friend of mine had been staying in Tulsa during Jack's journey (that's what I call it) and we were able to catch up and she had told me that her little girl, Skylar, had been diagnosed with lymphoid cancer, she is only 11 and has undergone more than her fair share of chemo, we were able share our prayers between Jack and Sky before God, and she called today to let me know that Skylar was now in full remission of the cancer, praise God!!

When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

Job 23:9-10

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